Epiphany!

While doing chest presses on the floor of my gym last week, I had a out-of-the blue, crazy epiphany.  So crazy, in fact, that my eyes welled up with tears.  Just to be clear, I don't cry at the drop of a hat.  And I certainly don't cry at the gym (well, it's happened.  But not since the boot camp debacle of 2009). 

Here's the thought that came into my head, as I was hoisting two 7-pound dumbbells into the air... YOUR BODY IS AMAZING.  What??  Where did that come from?  I've never (and I do mean never) had anything resembling that thought before.  Your body is ugly.  Your body is slow.  Your body is fat.  Now, I recognize those thoughts!  I've been plagued with them since I was ten, when my mom told me I was too fat to wear shorts outside while I played with my friends.  Those thoughts are familiar to me. 

So the concept was new and strange but the aforementioned tears popped into my eyes and I realized it was true.  The next thought that came to me in that moment was, YOUR BODY HAS DONE ALL YOU'VE ASKED OF IT AND MORE.  Again, true!  I was asking my soft, rusty chest muscles to lift heavy objects over my head--and they were doing it!  It truly brought tears to my eyes! 

I dismissed my epiphany for the rest of the class but thought about it some more on the drive home.  And what I realized is this... My body, this vessel that has carried me through 45 years of life, good and bad, has been kind to me.  In spite of years of neglect, hatred (and I don't use that word lightly), and outright lack of care, my body has done all I've asked.  And more. 

• I've run one marathon, three half-marathons, three triathlons and numerous shorter races.  My legs finished each race without falling apart.
• I conceived and carried two beautiful girls with relative ease.  I  nursed them both successfully for as long as I wanted.
• I have excellent eyesight and hearing.
• I've never broken a bone.
• Never had surgery.
• Never had a serious illness.
• Hardly ever sick.
• My bruises mend and my cuts heal.
• I laugh a lot and cry when I need to (sometimes, even at the gym!)
• I've done much of this while carrying a significant amount of extra weight.

Two years ago, I decided to get serous about my weight.  I ate healthfully and exercised.  I did it right and successfully lost almost 50 pounds.  Yay!  Did this make me appreciate my body?  Did this help me love my body?  Not really.  You see, after all these years of self-loathing, it's really hard to see yourself differently.    On the outside, I'm different.  But inside, I'm still that chubby little girl who wants to be invisible (invisibly eating a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos). 

It wasn't until I had that exercise-induced epiphany that I realized the error of my thoughts.  I realized that even though I had been eating "clean" and working out, I wasn't doing it with the intention of nurturing my body--I was doing it with the intention of changing my body.  And that's a big distinction.  Now, of course, I needed to change.  My food and activity choices were slowly destroying my health (even if I wasn't seeing the signs of it yet).  But I realize now, that any changes I make, if they are to be lifelong, must involve a mindset of nurture and care for this vessel that I've been given.  I am more than a number on a scale, more than a jeans-size.  I am a person, who happens to have a fairly amazing body. 

You may not recogize that when you see me on the street.  But I sure do.